SA's 810 and beyond diary a.k.a My daily kick up my own behind ;-)

[KD]

It's more the fact that I can go through phases where I just can't summon up the energy to give a damn about myself - you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean Serena. Well, I think I do

I remember writing about this somewhere; how the hardest thing ever was doing the right thing when I really couldn't give a d**n.

After all, all the 'techniques' in the world don't work if you are on 'Don't Care Anyway Road', because you just don't care to use them

I think that was the last one I cracked.

 

[Serena A]

After all, all the 'techniques' in the world don't work if you are on 'Don't Care Anyway Road', because you just don't care to use them

Quite. "Eating Less" vs "Couldn't Care Less"...sadly the latter has a habit of winning in my household.

 

[LellyCD]

Thought for the day:

"Be as kind to yourself as you are to others."

....this is it hun and you know you have to keep remembering this!! be good and kind to yourself you are worth the effort, to quote Geneen Roth - 'be willing to act of your own behalf'.

Wishing you a great day hunny!!

xxx

 

[Serena A]

to quote Geneen Roth - 'be willing to act of your own behalf'.

Liking that!

Today has not been quite so good in that I have had a headache all day, that's about 4 days in a row now - I think it's probably the paint fumes from the recent decorating. Anyway I started the day well - fruit/yoghurt, soup and veg (not organised enough to make a proper packed lunch ), strawberry mousse. Then I ended up having a couple of hot chocolate drinks and some jaffa cakes during the afternoon, then egg and oven chips for tea. Not the most nutritious of days but the headache seems to have subsided a little. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. I'm fighting the urge to dive back onto CD but I know that long term I'll be caught up in a vicious cycle if I do that so I'm determined not to.

Thought for the day:

"Think positive."

 

[aussieraquel]

serena, you can do this without the cd products and plans! I know you can! Keep thinking positive

 

[CeeKay]

it seems so hard to re-programme how we deal with food....
i'm doing the longer route through 1000 and upwards this time to try and learn more about portion sizes and making sensible choices.
we Will get there eventually hun... keep the faith
xx

 

[Bess]

But my size is not the issue, it's the effect that it's had on my always-fragile self esteem.

I always smile wryly at the posts from people who say "when I lose the weight I'll never go back to my old ways because I was so miserable when I was fat that I could never let myself get to that stage again". The problem is if you do put on a few lbs, you can feel so mentally exhausted with the prospect of having to re-lose what you just worked so hard to diet off that it takes a long time to gear yourself up to "start again". And then you're so angry with yourself that you've been so dumb for putting on weight again that you feel miserable and helpless to change. And then you turn to food to both numb and justify the feeling of uselessness. And then beat yourself up mentally for being so weak. Rinse and repeat...

And of course those extra lbs are so sneaky. We all know the searing disappointment at "only" losing one lb. Well it works the other way too - when you "only" gain one 1lb post-binge you feel almost relieved to be let off so lightly. So you don't take too much notice of it...you'll deal with it next week. Another few bad days/PMT cravings/rows with the OH later and that solitary lb has been joined by another, then another...

Half a stone later and you're already feeling so useless about yourself that you give up caring. By the time you pull yourself out of the depths of self-pity it's too late - you're back to where you started.

Serena, this is exactly how I feel.

 

[KD]

But my size is not the issue, it's the effect that it's had on my always-fragile self esteem.

Which is another way of saying your size is the issue. Well, I guess it is in a roundabout way, because you are using your size to effect your behaviour around food.

I think it's so easy for us to say that size isn't the problem, when it is. You know that it's how we behave around food that's the problem and it's hard to deal with any gain if the gain is a problem for you.

that's not to say a gain is something that we should ignore, just that it's a side effect of the problem.

For example...you eat too much, gain a few pounds, it's gutting eh? Eat too much and not gain a pound?? Is that equally as annoying? People are generally happy about the 2nd one. They've got away with it...they're safe:clap:

Unfortunately, we don't get away with it, we never get away with it. We might move on and do better next time, learn from it blah blah, but regardless of what the scales say, we still ate too much

Serena, I know you know this, but sometimes we can know things but not truly absorb them; forget them at times; chose not to know them. Not saying this is happening to you, but brings up lots of thoughts

 

[Laura Croft]

Oh first of all, hi there sister Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I think it's so easy for us to say that size isn't the problem, when it is. You know that it's how we behave around food that's the problem and it's hard to deal with any gain if the gain is a problem for you.

I relate to this. I 'thought' I 'should' be able to be happy no matter what size I am. But I know I struggle to be happy when I've overweight. I know it's not necessarily that I'm overweight that makes me unhappy (though it doesn't help!) What makes me unhappy is the fact I'm out of control with food when I'm overweight.

xx

 

[KD]

I relate to this. I 'thought' I 'should' be able to be happy no matter what size I am. But I know I struggle to be happy when I've overweight. I know it's not necessarily that I'm overweight that makes me unhappy (though it doesn't help!) What makes me unhappy is the fact I'm out of control with food when I'm overweight.

xx

Ummm, that's a bit different. Not quite what I was meaning. But maybe you weren't refering to my post anyway

But just to clarify. It's not to do with whether you are happy or not overweight. I'm talking about having lost the weight and now dealing with the food issues.

Not even that you should be in acceptance with a weight gain, but rather focusing on eating properly and the weight will take care of itself.

If you make the scales dictate how you behave around food, it's kind of tricky and pretty darn hard to get the food issues on the straight and narrow. For a start, the scales don't tell you how well you've done with any food issues. Only you know that.

You could have a major binge in the morning and starve yourself for the rest of the day, and the scales will stay the same. You can end up feeling that you've done well...when of course, it's less of a successful attempt at normal eating

Obviously, the scales are a useful tool, but there's times when life is worth more than calories. Sometimes things 'happen' often for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons that we are working on. Just don't let the scales push you around.

It can hurt if you do, and change your motivation from eating properly, to trying to appease them rather than dealing with the real issue.

Edited to add: We're talking about after the diet here. Learning how to keep the weight stable and at the same time getting a good relationship with food

 

[curlywurly1234]

Hey Serena..
Just wanted to say Hi and see how your doing..
xxxx

 

[penny35]

Hey beautiful, its fab to have you back, missed you and its good to know you doing okish, try not to forget what a lovely lady you are, thats what counts.

 

[Serena A]

I relate to this. I 'thought' I 'should' be able to be happy no matter what size I am. But I know I struggle to be happy when I've overweight. I know it's not necessarily that I'm overweight that makes me unhappy (though it doesn't help!) What makes me unhappy is the fact I'm out of control with food when I'm overweight.

xx

Ummm, that's a bit different. Not quite what I was meaning. But maybe you weren't refering to my post anyway

Just popping in very quickly during my lunchbreak...

I have to say that Laura's point is pretty much what I meant when I said size wasn't the issue - I just didn't put it very well. My size is not too much of an issue for me (at the moment) as I actually like being a bit heavier - it's fab to have my boobies back!! What I don't like is that I didn't actually intend to put any weight back on and if I don't sort things out (in my head that is) then it won't be too long before I do become bigger than I want to be.

Just saw on the BBC news website (sorry if it's already been posted elsewhere) that:

"According to research carried out at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology we learn when we get things right. During tests, brain cells became more efficient when they made the right choice but not the wrong one. The tests carried out on monkeys found that when a correct answer was given, the monkey was more likely to get the next answer right. However, after an error there was no improvement in behaviour."

I have to admit I sometimes find myself subconciously dismissing negative behaviour with a "at least I learnt from/recognised it" as if that makes it ok when I know full well it doesn't. So this research, right or wrong, is very interesting.

Will be back after work...

xx

 

[KD]

"According to research carried out at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology we learn when we get things right. During tests, brain cells became more efficient when they made the right choice but not the wrong one.

Very interesting :clap:

But, bringing that around to our issues, what is right? I guess that 99.99% of the time we do make the right choices. Right for us at the time (otherwise we wouldn't eat whatever)..maybe wrong long term though.

Analogy : What's the best birthday present? A sweater, or trousers? Really depends on your needs at the time. You may be desperate for trousers, so that would be the best present...but it wouldn't necessarily be if you knew you were getting multiple trousers for your Xmas the next day. Right and wrong can be a very grey area

So, feeling emotional around food and then eating too much, the brain will may well believe this is the right thing for you at the time, because we are programmed to look after our immediate needs. If in the back of our minds we still have some irrational beliefs, we will use them to justify to ourselves that we are making that choice. I blame Socrates, Plato and penner, all who have discussed the subject of akrasia at wayyyy too much length

Quick edit to add, if I am getting more and more random, please excuse me. Going through some rough stuff myself at the mo, and my head goes a bit screwy at times like this. Can't tell what's random and what's not Am trying to stay clear of the threads in general, but I keep getting drawn to some topics and...well...just go 'random' with my present thoughts about anything

 

[Laura Croft]

Very interesting :clap:

But, bringing that around to our issues, what is right? I guess that 99.99% of the time we do make the right choices. Right for us at the time (otherwise we wouldn't eat whatever)..maybe wrong long term though.

Analogy : What's the best birthday present? A sweater, or trousers? Really depends on your needs at the time. You may be desperate for trousers, so that would be the best present...but it wouldn't necessarily be if you knew you were getting multiple trousers for your Xmas the next day. Right and wrong can be a very grey area

So, feeling emotional around food and then eating too much, the brain will may well believe this is the right thing for you at the time, because we are programmed to look after our immediate needs. If in the back of our minds we still have some irrational beliefs, we will use them to justify to ourselves that we are making that choice. I blame Socrates, Plato and penner, all who have discussed the subject of akrasia at wayyyy too much length

Quick edit to add, if I am getting more and more random, please excuse me. Going through some rough stuff myself at the mo, and my head goes a bit screwy at times like this. Can't tell what's random and what's not Am trying to stay clear of the threads in general, but I keep getting drawn to some topics and...well...just go 'random' with my present thoughts about anything

T/J - Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch KD. I thought you may just be 'akrasia dropping' again. You should start a thread here and we'll look after you Know we are here for you too! xx

 

[Serena A]

If you make the scales dictate how you behave around food, it's kind of tricky and pretty darn hard to get the food issues on the straight and narrow. For a start, the scales don't tell you how well you've done with any food issues. Only you know that.

You could have a major binge in the morning and starve yourself for the rest of the day, and the scales will stay the same. You can end up feeling that you've done well...when of course, it's less of a successful attempt at normal eating

I've done that many times in the past. 1100 cals on choc/crisps etc during the day then a tin of soup in the evening accompanied by a pat on the back for staying under 1200 cals that day - madness. That's why I'm staying off the scales at this moment in time because for me, I need to concentrate on getting my head back into gear. The rest will follow.

Analogy

Yay!!! arty0011:

What's the best birthday present? A sweater, or trousers? Really depends on your needs at the time. You may be desperate for trousers, so that would be the best present...but it wouldn't necessarily be if you knew you were getting multiple trousers for your Xmas the next day. Right and wrong can be a very grey area

Hmmn - good analogy. I'm giving myself multiple "trousers" at the mo.

Quick edit to add, if I am getting more and more random, please excuse me.

Not random at all - or maybe you are but we're random enough aswell to "get it"

T/J - Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch KD. I thought you may just be 'akrasia dropping' again. You should start a thread here and we'll look after you Know we are here for you too! xx

Agreed, hugs KD.

 

[Bess]

Very interesting :clap:

Quick edit to add, if I am getting more and more random, please excuse me. Going through some rough stuff myself at the mo, and my head goes a bit screwy at times like this. Can't tell what's random and what's not Am trying to stay clear of the threads in general, but I keep getting drawn to some topics and...well...just go 'random' with my present thoughts about anything

You aren't getting random KD, this is interesting - I've just looked up 'akrasia'-wow!
Sorry that things are a bit rough for you just now, but keep your thoughts flowing - I've found the recent ones you've put on this thread really interesting. Can we help you? - If things aren't going too well?

 

[LellyCD]

hey hunny, how are you today?

Hope is going well.

Just thought i'd share my latest reading matter and some things i'm doing at the moment -

affirmations -
Susan Jeffers :: Affirmation of the day

i have post-its with lots of positive thinking messages all over... they make me smile anyway

have a fab day hun

xx

 

[Serena A]

hey hunny, how are you today?

Hope is going well.

Just thought i'd share my latest reading matter and some things i'm doing at the moment -

affirmations -
Susan Jeffers :: Affirmation of the day

i have post-its with lots of positive thinking messages all over... they make me smile anyway

have a fab day hun

xx

Thanks Lelly - feeling positive today thanks. I will check out that website

 

[Serena A]

Well, I have checked out Susan Jeffers affirmation of the day which is:

I always have the inner strength to find my way.


(see what I did there? Gets me out of Thought for the Day )

My instinctive reaction to that affirmation was "do I?" I've come to the conclusion that yes, I do always have the inner strength, but remembering that I do takes strength in itself. One to ponder.

I ate mindlessly yesterday and felt so bad about that loss of control that come bedtime it stopped me from falling asleep. My mind kept whirling around all over the place - why did I keep doing this to myself? My pattern is to pause pre-binge, think about how useless I'd feel during and after, and yet get in the car and drive to the shops regardless, almost as if on autopilot. So there I lay last night, screaming at myself so loud inside my head that I couldn't get to sleep. After 2 1/2 hours of trying to drop off I got up, went to the living room and switched on the TV. So there I was at 2am watching a programme on Sky called X-Weighted which follows a person for 6 months whilst they try and lose weight/get fit. Seeing someone else's excuses, issues and ultimately their success quieted the negative voices in my head and something has clicked for me today. I've eaten sensibly without having to battle with myself about it, and it's the first time I've felt that peace in a while.

Feeling good.