Unthoughtful people!
- Thread starter Bunnylush
- Start date
liliferjade
Wishful shrinking
You defo aren't alone Minx. My biological 'father' lives in the same town as me (it's a small town), he has never tried to contact me and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. He's an alcoholic too. I've spotted him in a local pub before and he just stared. I'm not 100% sure he knew who I was (I was 19 at the time so I don't think he would know what I even look like now as the last time I ever remember seeing him, I was about 3) and I walked out as felt uncomfortable! My brother met up with him a year back and regrets it as its messed his head up a bit. Our 'father' was drunk, kept making meaningless apologies for beating our mum when we were younger and for not getting in touch with us saying he 'tried' to but he couldn't. I very much doubt he 'tried' as we live in the same town and he knew where we lived. My brother ended up going for him but left. Like I said to my brother, he's not worth it. Apparantly he asked my brother how I was but I could pass him in the street and he wouldn't know I was his daughter. He doesn't know anything about me, nothing about my life, nothing about how hard I tried at school to get into college and then university, nothing about how I passed my driving test and now have a car, nothing about the fact I'm now in my third and final year at university or about my 7 year long relationship with my fiance who I now live with, he probably doesn't even know that I've celebrated my 21st birthday or my date of birth for that matter. Why would he? He's not been in my life to support me to achieve the things I've listed. Sorry about rambling so much on your comment, once I started I couldn't bluddy stop! haha 'Fathers' eh!? I'm sure some are lovely but I've managed to turn out ok without one in my life and it seems you have too! xxx
liliferjade
Wishful shrinking
So do I!! xx
MadameLaMinx
Gold Member
Thank you, all, so much. Sorry if it was a bit ranty.
It's just a horrible mess my life at the moment. I haven't even been able to get myself out of bed today, because I couldn't see the point, even though I have a tonne of stuff to do before the kids go back to school tomorrow. OH is being fab, bringing me cups of tea and stuff, but I feel like such an utter failure and there is so much spinning around in my head that I can't even begin to try and get a grip of it. I need something to get me to the point where I can have a good cry and get it out of my system but that bit of me that doesn't like to be any trouble or bother is preventing that from happening. I don't want to worry people, I don't like upsetting people, so it's better that I just stay out of their way. The dad rant was sparked by a convo I had with my aunt late last night where she asked if I had heard from him. The only reason we have any email contact is because I started it last year prior to my cousins wedding, as I knew that we were both going to be there and I was feeling awkward enough about it as it was, so I figured that at least if one of us was brave enough to at least attempt to communicate then it might make things easier over the weekend we were there for the wedding. It took him two months and a yelling at to reply to that one. Then it was the wedding, I saw him the day before, my other cousin had arranged a lunch at her house to get us all together, and he was relatively well behaved at that, but drunk, and full of apologies for being so crap. Then at the wedding, he was drunk before he got there and did his absolute best to be the personification of that annoying idiot that gets on everyone's nerves at a wedding. Which would perhaps have been more amusing, if it wasn't the first time I had seen him in 17 years, or he wasn't actually related to me. Call me old fashioned if you like, but in his shoes, I would have tried to make a bit of an effort...
Anyway. He was all full of the usual promises of a fresh start and happier times ahead at the wedding. I think I knew as we pulled away in the car to come home that it would be the last time I ever cast eyes on him. But he had yet again promised to keep in touch and like an idiot, I believed him. Then nothing. I know, I could have mailed him, but the amount of times he has let me down over the years has made me very wary. Eventually, after another convo with my aunt where she asked had he been in touch, and gently suggested that I make the first move. She did acknowledge that the man is a fool, and crazy to be missing out on us, but I think she hoped that he would have seen the light having actually met his grandchildren.
So I did as she asked, wrote to him, told him a little about how we are, asked after him, expressed delight at my sisters pregnancy, and did make a comment about having hoped to have heard from him sooner. Eventually, after several weeks, a reply finally showed up, and as I said, it was the tone of a polite conversation between distant strangers. I had a chat with my cousin about it when it arrived, and we laughed and said that I might as well just reply with something like "Dear Dad, *nods head and doffs hat in your general direction* bye for now, Me x" - but then I spoke to my aunt last night and it really hit home what a selfish self-absorbed man he really is. There is no point in trying to prolong this, he's too far gone with the drink and is pretty much lost to all of his family, although the rest of them did at least know him before he got so bad. I won't ever have any good stories about my kids grandad to share with them as they grow older, and he's the only living one they have, although I use the term living loosely. Not sure if you can class something pickled as still living.
For my own sanity, i have to let this go and move on, but I dont really know how. I can continue to be civil so that any future family events go smoothly, I can just lapse back into no communication and hope that nothing comes up that requires us to meet again, or I can tell him, but all that would do would make me feel better, it won't change anything and it might rock the boat in other areas, as I said earlier, the rest of his family are lovely. I just dont know what to do. I know they would surely understand if I had to draw a line now, but he is still their brother and I don't want to make things harder for them. I just feel lost.
Sorry for the further ramblings. I'm not very good at opening my mouth and actually talking but writing it down somewhere is helping a little bit to give me some perspective and a bit of emotional distance to look at it from. Don't like dumping things on people though, but thankyou for your kind and understanding words.
It's just a horrible mess my life at the moment. I haven't even been able to get myself out of bed today, because I couldn't see the point, even though I have a tonne of stuff to do before the kids go back to school tomorrow. OH is being fab, bringing me cups of tea and stuff, but I feel like such an utter failure and there is so much spinning around in my head that I can't even begin to try and get a grip of it. I need something to get me to the point where I can have a good cry and get it out of my system but that bit of me that doesn't like to be any trouble or bother is preventing that from happening. I don't want to worry people, I don't like upsetting people, so it's better that I just stay out of their way. The dad rant was sparked by a convo I had with my aunt late last night where she asked if I had heard from him. The only reason we have any email contact is because I started it last year prior to my cousins wedding, as I knew that we were both going to be there and I was feeling awkward enough about it as it was, so I figured that at least if one of us was brave enough to at least attempt to communicate then it might make things easier over the weekend we were there for the wedding. It took him two months and a yelling at to reply to that one. Then it was the wedding, I saw him the day before, my other cousin had arranged a lunch at her house to get us all together, and he was relatively well behaved at that, but drunk, and full of apologies for being so crap. Then at the wedding, he was drunk before he got there and did his absolute best to be the personification of that annoying idiot that gets on everyone's nerves at a wedding. Which would perhaps have been more amusing, if it wasn't the first time I had seen him in 17 years, or he wasn't actually related to me. Call me old fashioned if you like, but in his shoes, I would have tried to make a bit of an effort...
Anyway. He was all full of the usual promises of a fresh start and happier times ahead at the wedding. I think I knew as we pulled away in the car to come home that it would be the last time I ever cast eyes on him. But he had yet again promised to keep in touch and like an idiot, I believed him. Then nothing. I know, I could have mailed him, but the amount of times he has let me down over the years has made me very wary. Eventually, after another convo with my aunt where she asked had he been in touch, and gently suggested that I make the first move. She did acknowledge that the man is a fool, and crazy to be missing out on us, but I think she hoped that he would have seen the light having actually met his grandchildren.
So I did as she asked, wrote to him, told him a little about how we are, asked after him, expressed delight at my sisters pregnancy, and did make a comment about having hoped to have heard from him sooner. Eventually, after several weeks, a reply finally showed up, and as I said, it was the tone of a polite conversation between distant strangers. I had a chat with my cousin about it when it arrived, and we laughed and said that I might as well just reply with something like "Dear Dad, *nods head and doffs hat in your general direction* bye for now, Me x" - but then I spoke to my aunt last night and it really hit home what a selfish self-absorbed man he really is. There is no point in trying to prolong this, he's too far gone with the drink and is pretty much lost to all of his family, although the rest of them did at least know him before he got so bad. I won't ever have any good stories about my kids grandad to share with them as they grow older, and he's the only living one they have, although I use the term living loosely. Not sure if you can class something pickled as still living.
For my own sanity, i have to let this go and move on, but I dont really know how. I can continue to be civil so that any future family events go smoothly, I can just lapse back into no communication and hope that nothing comes up that requires us to meet again, or I can tell him, but all that would do would make me feel better, it won't change anything and it might rock the boat in other areas, as I said earlier, the rest of his family are lovely. I just dont know what to do. I know they would surely understand if I had to draw a line now, but he is still their brother and I don't want to make things harder for them. I just feel lost.
Sorry for the further ramblings. I'm not very good at opening my mouth and actually talking but writing it down somewhere is helping a little bit to give me some perspective and a bit of emotional distance to look at it from. Don't like dumping things on people though, but thankyou for your kind and understanding words.
ScarlettStar86
Gold Member
I can't imagine how you feel and can therefore offer no words of advice. I can give hugs though xxxx
gl12282
Plodding on.......
MLM,
I couldn't just read without comment.
It's absolutely fine to have a rant here. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you and can totally understand why it affects the 'whole of you' (if that makes any sense). I can't tell you what to do but I do wonder whether there is any way that you can just have no contact apart from at family do's where you will just make polite conversation (no matter what he says) as you would with any other person that you have little or no contact in between (if you could cope with that ?). I know he isn't that person but maybe he needs to be treated like that as he behaves that way ??
I'm so sorry that this is causing you such upset. You are worth so much more than that but I understand how hard it is for you to see that at the moment.
Big hugs
Gail x
Sent from my iPhone
I couldn't just read without comment.
It's absolutely fine to have a rant here. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you and can totally understand why it affects the 'whole of you' (if that makes any sense). I can't tell you what to do but I do wonder whether there is any way that you can just have no contact apart from at family do's where you will just make polite conversation (no matter what he says) as you would with any other person that you have little or no contact in between (if you could cope with that ?). I know he isn't that person but maybe he needs to be treated like that as he behaves that way ??
I'm so sorry that this is causing you such upset. You are worth so much more than that but I understand how hard it is for you to see that at the moment.
Big hugs
Gail x
Sent from my iPhone
MadameLaMinx
Gold Member
gl12282 said:
Thanks Gail,
With any luck I won't have to run into him at all, the next upcoming function is at the end of June, another cousins wedding. I dont think we will be able to go. Finances are simply too tight at the moment and with petrol the way things are, we just can't afford it. My aunt last spoke to him a few weeks ago and he said he would be coming over for it but then his wife started yelling at him (they do a lot of that...) and the line went dead and my aunt hasn't heard from him since. I have no idea where he would stay if he comes though, my aunts husband has said that he and his wife are never allowed to stay with them again, and he stayed with an old friend last time and they too have now said that they wont have them back, he left the wedding in a mood early and she stayed till the end, then went home and they rowed right through till morning. He definitely qualifies as an unthoughtful person!
I just think its better if we don't meet anyway. I am done with the apologies and ridiculous promises, and at someone else's party is no place for confronting those issues. He's fast tracking himself to an early grave (already had one burst stomach ulcer but that's not stopped him) and I don't feel the need to bear witness to his self-destruction. I think I shall just let things lie, and stop discussing him. It will all be over with soon enough at the rate he's going.
Bunnylush said:
There's a fair few of them about I think. Can't pick your parents, unfortunately. If you could, I would have chosen very differently. Sorry yours sucks too.
In other news, I have managed to drag myself out of bed, shower and dress and take the kids to school today, which is a definite improvement on yesterday. This isn't the only thing going on in my life, so I need to be careful not to let it overwhelm me, but I just have to take it one day at a time.
dudette2001uk
I will be a Princess!
MLM, I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time with your family. I really do feel for you hun, and I just want to send lots of virtual hugs! :bighug:
dudette2001uk
I will be a Princess!
Dear barman in my local on whom I have more than the teensiest crush,
Why do you have to be 22 and too young for someone as long in the tooth as me (closer to 30 than 20 :sigh. And why do you have to be so smiley, and nice, and flirty, and jokey and generally lovely? How dare you! I'm too old for the butterflies flip-flopping around in my stomach when you come and join me round my side of the bar for a drink for an hour after your shift has finished.
If you would kindly desist from behaving in the aforementioned ways I would be most grateful! I'm getting too old for this malarky! :sigh:
Yours wistfully,
Sian
P.S. Peeling the labels off your bottles has long been accepted as a sign of sexual frustration *ahem*, and you sitting by the side of me doing so is not helping the situation!
Why do you have to be 22 and too young for someone as long in the tooth as me (closer to 30 than 20 :sigh
. And why do you have to be so smiley, and nice, and flirty, and jokey and generally lovely? How dare you! I'm too old for the butterflies flip-flopping around in my stomach when you come and join me round my side of the bar for a drink for an hour after your shift has finished.If you would kindly desist from behaving in the aforementioned ways I would be most grateful! I'm getting too old for this malarky! :sigh:
Yours wistfully,
Sian
P.S. Peeling the labels off your bottles has long been accepted as a sign of sexual frustration *ahem*, and you sitting by the side of me doing so is not helping the situation!
dudette2001uk
I will be a Princess!
Dear MM members/readers,
Having just re-read my post I've realised how silly I sound...please ignore the above post as the ramblings of a somewhat deranged woman
xxx
Having just re-read my post I've realised how silly I sound...please ignore the above post as the ramblings of a somewhat deranged woman
xxx
dextersmum
Gold Member
Keep rambling.......I like it
dudette2001uk
I will be a Princess!
Here's hoping, haha!
I'd be over the moon!Although the fact he's the same age as my younger brother is a little disturbing!
Oops!
liliferjade
Wishful shrinking
Here's hoping, haha!
Although the fact he's the same age as my younger brother is a little disturbing!
I think you need to go for it Sian! He sat with you for half an hour after his shift. I'm thinking the feelings mutual?
xxx
parfittaroles
Silver Member
dudette2001uk said:Dear barman in my local on whom I have more than the teensiest crush,
Why do you have to be 22 and too young for someone as long in the tooth as me (closer to 30 than 20 :sigh
If you would kindly desist from behaving in the aforementioned ways I would be most grateful! I'm getting too old for this malarky! :sigh:
Yours wistfully,
Sian
P.S. Peeling the labels off your bottles has long been accepted as a sign of sexual frustration *ahem*, and you sitting by the side of me doing so is not helping the situation!
That's not much of an age gap. Nothing wrong with that!!!
dudette2001uk
I will be a Princess!
I think you need to go for it Sian! He sat with you for half an hour after his shift. I'm thinking the feelings mutual?
Ah I dunno, he was probably just bored and fancied a drink!
He spent most of the hour calling me strange, telling me that I have the devil in me as I'm left handed, and shaking his head at my choice of Queen as a favourite band. Probably not the best sign in the world! Lol! xxx
Mrs.S.
Gold Member
dudette2001uk said:Ah I dunno, he was probably just bored and fancied a drink!
He spent most of the hour calling me strange, telling me that I have the devil in me as I'm left handed, and shaking his head at my choice of Queen as a favourite band. Probably not the best sign in the world! Lol! xxx
This is called 'flirting' my love!!!!!!!
My god, short of snogging you full on he's given you all the signs! xx
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