my diary ~ no more CD for me

thankyou :) I'm sure you will be there by next summer

Oficially 10 stone 12 exactly today (I do love Isobels scales lol) I have been very happy today for some reason, despite being told I look tired with dark circles under my eyes (lack of makeup) and a bloke I told to stop pestering me last week has started again. In what way does "leave me alone" leave room for him to try again? Hmmm I suppose i should hav expected it since he's been trying for almost 4 years now (without luck)


I arranged today to go to the quayside on thursday night. Then I thought to myself mr mechanic will probably be there, I could either ask him if he's going to be there and warn him I'm going so if his other woman is there he can behave himself when I'm around and not get caught lying again. Or I could not tell him and see if he gets caught out. Then I thought what does it matter if he is lying to me, we're not together anyway any more. So I warned him I'd be going because no matter how much it's over I am still pretty... er... jealous I suppose and I don't want to walk into a bar and find him all over her. So. I've decided. I'm going to enjoy this night out immensley no matter who is there. I am going to buy something new and I will look fabulous. I will feel confident. AND I will just think to myself that she will be jealous of me not the other way round lol. For a start I'm 13 years younger than her and it sounds to me like she's trying to make herself look younger. People often say I look like I'm in my early twenties too so I look a lot younger than I really am. Think it'll work? me neither but if I make myself believe it by thursday night I might have a better time. I've never actually seen her face but I hope she's a bit rough and wrinkly lol. I'm scaring myself now, must stop this. I just want to believe that I am better than her. I'm so upset i'm still too fat for knee lenghth boots I want some so I can wear a short skirt and show off my newly slim legs (with thick tights on lol) so she's thinner than me, who cares? I'm curvy lol would rather hav a few curves than be like a rake. Ok so I want to be that skinny but still with a little bit of a curve.

Ok you can think I'm officially insane now because of all that Ive just written but never mind. I'm so glad I've lost all that weight because if I hadn't I would be so crushed right now I wouldn't ever leave the house and I wouldn't be able to get on with life as I have done. So I was fat when he started playing around but I'm not now and thats what counts.

wow look at that I just wrote that I'm not fat now! do I really subconsciously think that? I am still overweight yes but still much thinner than I was. I can buy clothes anywhere (except plus size clothes) and can look good in them. I really need to lose another 2 stone by thursday!!! seriously! ;) 2lb at least?

so, that means mr cinema only has he chance of taking me out tomorrow or wednesday. So I told him. And he still said I'll let you know. This bloke is seriously not worth my attention is he. Maybe I'll meet someone better.

Oh and the coffee bloke at work who I think is gorgeous (I'm not a tart honest) is leaving his job in 2 weeks so I wont see him any more :( how sad. He's happy about it anyway. poor me not getting my nice coffee man visits any more. I hope they get a nice replacement for him.

I saw boris becker in B&Q this afternoon too! ok not the real boris becker IT's this bloke who is always out where we go usually and he is the double of boris. He's quite nice looking too but has a girlfriend.

It sounds like I think of nothing but men but it's not true honest. I just have more confidence all of a sudden and would dare to think someone I like might actuallylike me too. But wouldn't be brave enough to act on anything yet. I said that to someone not so long ago and got told not to be silly because there is no reason why someone wouldn't like me. Still, I'm not that confident yet.

I've got to do more painting tonight. I realy cant be bothered. Might leave it till tomorrow. But then again I need to go shopping for something to wear on thursday night. I need someone to go with me to give me and honest opinion of how I look.

can everyone who reads this wish that she looks like a right hag just so I will feel better lol. I'm ashamed of myself I have never been so jealaous of anything in my life. so, need to get this over with and get on with the rest of my life. Oh and while you're at the wishing, also wish that I'll meet someone gorgeous, single and perfect for me who will think the same about me while I'm out.that would be good.
 
Sending both wishes to you, hun!

Personally, I would feel sorry for the old hag - she will get hurt, just like you did!

And I KNOW that someone worthy of your attention will come along and sweep you off your feet! Just a matter of time, hun!
 
Thanks Isobel :) I just wish we didn't have to kiss frogs to find our prince (lol how pathetic is that but I just had to say it)

I just remembered something. I must stop swearing at people when I'm driving if they do something dangerous or stupid or something because I forgot the kids were in the car today and did it ooops! Thankfully they all pretended they didn't hear what I said but I don't think thats really true lol

The kids are eating mocrowave chips right now, they smell sooo goood I'm hungry. But, if I want only 2 weeks more of no food I must not eat!! I will not eat. I know I'll make a mousse and eat that. Much better than chips.
 
i was just talking to a friend and he summed up in a few short words what I was thinking about seeing mr mechanic on thursday night. He said I want to be " sexy as **** and the woman he wants". And yes that is what I want. I want him to regret what he threw away but that doesn't mean I want him back.

I worked out why I'm jealous of the woman too. I'm jealous because she gets to keep believing she was somehow special to him whereas I got a bloody big smack in the face telling me I wasn't special at all. Also jealous because she is/was the exact opposite to me. and yay I can include old in that (no offence to anyone of that age I just mean as in older than me) But I felt so inferior because of how different she is to me. But now I shouldn't feel inferior. It ill still be there in my mind but I am not going to show it.

i think thursday may become our last ever contact depending on how it turns out. Who knows we might not even end up in the same bars at the same time but we most likely will end up at the same place.

I thought of wearing my moschino dress. I tried it on and thought it's not that small I could wear that. So I rang my friend and asked her if I can go and show her how it looks on in the morning and asked her to be brutally honest about it. I've decided it is too tight though. Unless I can get some of those knickers that really pull your stomach in. I mean really really pull your stomach in. It's not a hard thing for them to do because it's very squishy but I really need a flatter stomach to wear the dress and feel ok in it. It really shows off my figure but that could be because it's too tight lol. Maybe I should take a photo and ask for opinions.

Actually I think it's a bit over the top to wear to go into town on a thursday night. Must go shopping. Don't need a bra with that dress though my boobs don't move in it lol. And it holds them up lol.

ill come back soon got to make my mousse
 
my mousse didnt set :( so I had a thick milkshake instead. Oh well.

So, where was I.

Hmmm. Where is my confidence? I don't know really till I'm in any situation. I know I have more confidence than I used to because when I started this diary I wrote about how I was dreading going out for a drink because i felt so awful and invisible etc. Now look how often I'm going out. I'm actually asking people to go out with me rather than sit in on my own and wait to be invited. even when I was invited out I'd rather sit at home instead so no one would have to see me. Now I don't care who sees me, I just want to go out and enjoy myself. My lack of confidence is in the fact that I don't know what to wear that would suit me now, and i don't have anything to wear that fits properly.

who knows I might even learn how to flirt again. I've actually forgotten how to! can you believe that? I need more practice.

I am waffling here I know but needed something to do.
 
Her time will come, honey - that's a dead certainty!

I would dress up to the nines on Thursday - tis the Quayside after all!!!

Be drop dead gorgeous and totally blank Mr M - you'll be fighting the other blokes off!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
good plan! methinks you've done this before somehow lol

I'm going to have to act like I'm feeling extremely confident too aren't I? I will practice at work and while shopping for big knickers tomorow. hmm theres a thread about them i remember seeing a while ago must go and look it up. I need an idea of where I can find them. and if they're worth the hassle. Will I last 6 hours in them? lol specially going to the loo every half hour pulling them up and down.

Mr chocolate box is going to be there too. I hate having to be nasty but going to have to tell him he's got no chance and put him out of his misery.
 
I've lost 30 lbs isn't that great lol

I weighed myself this morning and was 10 stone 11 so thats actually 31lbs I've lost. But wont count that one till next weeks weigh in.

I decided my dress is too tight. I took it to the shops with me and tried on some of those hold in knickers and it looked worse with them on. So instead I hunted for something else to wear on thursday night. Which was hard when you need a full outfit and only have £40. I tried on so many things and none of them looked right until I found a silvery grey silk dress which had been reduced to £18. So I tried it on and it looked great so I bought it. I already have some dull silver shoes I can wear with it but only have black bags. Unless I use my silver makeup bag lol. there was on the same in size 10 I almost considered buying that too for when I'm in 10'2s lol.

What is so good about it is silk shows up alllll your lumps and bumps so before losing weight I would never have dared wear it even if it was the right size. But now it actually looks good (not the lumps and bumps though) not sure if I have the right complexion for it though but oh well, I was struggling to find anything to wear.

We went in debenhams and looked round all the different departments in there. I saw a dress in the morgan bit and said ohh I like that dress and decided to go and have a look at the rest of the stuff. The woman working there overheard me and asked which dress it was then took me to exactly where it was without me even asking her too. I couldn't help thinking wow that was nice of her, but I bet if I was still heavy like I was she wouldn't have done that because she'd have known I wouldn't be able to buy it.

My friend kept suggesting things and I would say oh no I can't wear things like that it makes my legs look huge, or I have a fat neck so cant wear that. She corrected me a few times but then after that she just rolled her eyes at me and I had to laugh and remember that I no longer look like i used to. They need more mirrors in there to remind me of that. i could see she was really sick of me saying I looked too big in things I was tring on but just because I can wear smaller clothes doesn't mean that everything will look ok on me does it? I think I'm more fussy about what looks good or not now because this is bloody hard getting all the weight off to look better so I'm going to make sure what I wear makes me look better too. I just wish I had enough money to buy enough clothes to look better in everything instantly.

I got stopped inthe corridoor at work today by the lady who runs the cafe next door today. She asked me how much weight I'd lost and told me I was looking great. I told her I still felt huge but she and the other woman she works with said oooh no you're not you're getting tiny. So that is good. It must be very noticeable. Before the woman I mentioned would just look me up and down as if she couldn't believe her eyes, that was quite funny.

Mr Mechanic has been sending me texts today. Now he's not going out on thursday night. I bet he's woried in case I cause a fuss with this other woman. either that or he is lying to me about it being over with her and keeping out of the way so she wont prove him wrong. Who knows, but anyway, I have my new drss and I am going to look fab! I just thougt, it's silk, if someone spills a drink on me its going to look terrible. Oh no!!! My friend can be my bodyguard and save me from all drinks.

Anyway. Mr M was also asking me how much weight I'd lost now. I told him and how many dress sizes I'd gone down. He said I look much better for it and asked what size I want to be. I told him that I had planned on a 10 but now I'm nearly there and I still feel huge I will have to see when I get to that size if I want to be any smaller. he told me not to lose too much and I look great as I am and if I feel fat I should go to the gym and tone up but not to lose more weight. Should I take that as him giving genuine advice or should I ignore it? hmm, I think I'll ignore it. I'll do what I want not what he wants. I AM still overweight. It wont hurt me one little bit to get down to 9 stone and I will look even better than I do now
 
I really want some pease pudding. with or without ham I dont care. I love pease pudding.

I don't buy it so have none in the house but it's hard at work when I have to keep making ham and pease pudding sandwiches about 4 or 5 times a day. It still cant beat galic chicken but thats not as popular for me to have to handle.

Keep reminding me. If I stick to it for 2 weeks I can eat every day after that. only 2 weeks. It's not long is it?

I'm struggling with drinking enough water too.. I think I've had about 2 litres today which isn't good.
 
WHAAATTT??????

pease pudding is just fantastic peasiness and goes perfectly with ham. I however love pease pudding sandwiches with nothing else in.

It's made from split peas I think, kind of mushed up (not like mushy peas) and it's just yummy
 
kazz said:
What on earth is pease pudding???? I have never heard of that in my life!!
Click to expand...

I have never heard of this either :confused:
 
pease pudding hot, pease pudding cold, pease pudding in the pot, 9 days old.

pease pudding is gross!!!:eek: hope you are over your craving now since I have just sang the song!!! step away from the pudding.....:)
 
kazz said:
Is it an english thing? I never even heard of pasty until I moved here & pies in general are not a big thing in dublin either!!
Click to expand...

It's a North East thing...my other half is from the north east and when he suggested we had a ham and pease pudding stottie for lunch, I wondered what the heck he was on about!!!

Didn't help much to explain it was cold mushed up peas, because I had an image of a tin of mushy peas in a bread roll with a slice of ham!!! lol

I have to 'fess it's bluddy lush! :eek:

It's split peas that have been cooked and then blended. (ve got loads in my freezer as they don't sell it down south!) they do it nationally in tins, but it's awful, the fresh stuff in the shops up north is fantastic.
God I sound like an addict! :eek:

Can we eat it on 790? (you've passed the craving on LOL)

Kitty xxx
 
LOL ladies - I've never heard of a pease puddin craving - I can't stand the stuff myself!! EEEUUUWWW! lol

Tis the devil's food, Kati - resist Satan's temptations!!!

Pease puddin doesn't go well with slinky silk dresses! lol

Have a good day, sweetie!
 
well I'm sorry but I've let myself down and anyone else who had any kind of faith in me sticking to this.

I ate. I ate bad things and lots of it.

I've been let down by people around me again and again and today it just got too much I feel so fed up. I have let myself down more than anyone else though. I shouldn't be so weak.

Mr Mechanic came to see me today, I'm sure it was becaus he knew I was going out tomorrow. Now I'm not going out there at all so Ive wasted my money on that dress and ill have to go out in crappy fat clothes instead and feel crappy and fat because I've eaten so much today. But anyway I've let myself down where he is concerned.

Can I restart the day?
 
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