my diary ~ no more CD for me

[kati]

Thanks dom I'd replied but dont know where its gone!

I hate having photos taken so never do anything to make myself look better cos I'd rather be hiding. I think probably when I took tht first picture I thought well lets make it as bad as possible then I might feel even btter when I've lost loads of weight going back and seeing that.

I'm sure yours cant be that scary

 

[Isobel1965]

You look FAB in that dress, honey!!!!!!!

A right little sex-pot!!!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[KateF]

Beautiful dress and you look great in it!!
I'm glad that (even if a bit begrudgingly!) you can admit to seeing a difference.

It sounds like loads of people around you are as well, very much so, and I hope that'll help it sink in even more.

You're so going to be fighting blokes off in that dress-but I hope for you, that you get to meet and accept a man who makes you feel valued and loved for all of you.

(I'm still working on that...but getting there..)

 

[kazz]

OMG!! You look soooo different!! There is definately a difference in those photos and that dress looks fantastic on you!! I;m sure its even better in real life and by the time you wear it out you will be looking even better in it!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

WOW Nikki... you look stunning! Big difference between the pics. You look lovely hon xx

 

[kati]

Thanks everyone, I hope it looks better in person, when I have some makeup on and my hair done I will look a bit better anyway.

I feel extra huuuge today. I fell into the food trap. I have eaten today and not had any packs I had a chicken mayonnaise sandwich for lunch and garlic chicken salad for tea. I was picking at work and I just really felt the urge to have a proper meal and I knew I couldnt stop picking till I did. I had planned to have the salad anyway for tea so had a sandwich for lunch. I know it wasn't a lot of food, but enough to knock me out of ketsis. I don't know whether to have any packs now or not. I feel so stuffed and bloated I dont know if I could manage any! Trying to drink more water though.

 

[kati]

hmmm well I have spent some time looking at those pictures side by side so by that I can see there is a big difference. this diary is all about me anayway so going to be vain about it lol.

The main thing that stands out for me in the latest picture (apart from how white I am) is my collar bones. They don't look that obvious when I look in the mirror. I have always envied people who have collar bones sticking out like that lol and that was one of my main aims lol. They don't look that great though do they?

My main problem with feeling big still is because m waist isnt shrinking (which I've said before). I always thought I was pretty curvy before (when you could actually see I had a waist) but now I'm not I'm mostly straight up and down and bulging in the wrong places.

I'm never ging to look like any kind of a model but I need to keep reminding myself how much better I am now than I used to be. Because i really am. I'm sure I will look even better when I get to 9 stone but I don't think I'm ever going to think, right I look good now.

I got told toda Mrs Stickinsect at work has an eating disorder that shes getting treatment for. She hasn't mentioned it to me but she has told my mam. When she talks to me she's always going on about what she has eaten or saying how pointless dieting is etc so she obviously didn't want me to know. She even joined in the having a go at me to make sure I am actually eating! So I don't know if she's wanting to hide it from me because she's embarrassed to tell me or if it's to not give me any ideas of going down the same route. I wouldn't think any less of her if she told me and wouldn't follow in her footsteps either. It's too hard not to eat! right now anyway, it wasn't hard before when I was so determined to get the weight off. So all these insecurities she has is really whats been going on in her head when she's been criticising people for how they look.

 

[kati]

well I abandoned my diary yesterday because I was feeling so fed up. Tonight I'm not so much fed up as exhausted. I am soooo not used to working so many hours. I haven't even worked that many hours compared to other people too. But I have been having trouble sleeping so it all adds up.

I must say though doing a det where you cant eat real food but constantly handling that real food for 36 hours a week is like torture. 3 hours a day with it is nthing because I was going home at 2 30 and could have something straight away, now I know I'm not going to get anything at all till nearer 6 then when I do get it I'm overhungry and that is when I will be most likely to eat too much. I have been doing 790 and that allowance of food made me feel that if I picat things at work then that will do as my meal and will just have my packs. But it hasnt worked because picking made me more hungry and I felt I had to have something substantial.

I can't remember when I last went shopping for food properly so haven't had what I need in the house to think no I wont pick I will wait till I get home and have a proper meal. So I think I need to plan meals and make a shopping list and buy the right food I need. I'll have to get that sometime tomorrow and fit it in around work and swimming and going out for the night. Phew sounds like a busy day lol.

need a wee will be back

 

[kati]

ok back again, with my 4th litre of water for the day in hand (still glugging) But havent stuck to the diet today. 2 30 is my weakest time. 2 30 is when i'd normally get home with just enough time to have a pack before going to pick the twinlets up from school. Also it's quiet at work then because most of the lunch hours are over by then we just get the odd few customers in so I gave in and had a garlic chicken sandwich (aargh that garlic gets me every time it just smells so wonderful) then I came home and had a malt toffee bar and ..er.. some fish (good combination lol). I must admit I was sittig waiting for my ex to bring the kids hoe and thought sod it I'll take the out for tea, but he'd fed them before bringing them home so now the bar and fish is enough for me so wont have anything more. Will probably have another pack later with some coffee.

I have been feeling quite frustrated at work, not totally because of the food surrounding me but because of Mrs Stickinsect too. She's quite dopey (shhh don't tell her) but I had myself a bit of a (private) tantrum thinkng aaargh I'm going to have to work with this dosey, messy woman for god knows how long and it's going to make twice as much work for me cos I'm going to have to keep going round doing everything again after she's done it. Because that is what happens. She keeps messing up the till somehow and gives people the wrong change (usually too much), and she gets food everywhere like jam all down the side of the jar and things lke that. I'm sick of telling her you put 3 slices of bacon in a bacon sandwich and cut the sausages in half to put on sandwiches to cover the whole bread instead of just bunging them in as they are. How hard is that to remember? it's just stupid things lie that all day long and it just drives me mad. don't get me wrong she's a nice person she just wont shut up, is thick and has no common sense. Oh and she stands too close!!!!!!!!! thats my biggest gripe I think. I HATE people standing too close unless I want them to.

I'm just having a bit of a rant there and I'm sure you don't want to hear all my stick insect annoyances. But hey from tomorrow I'm going to be in charge at work. I'm not getting any more money though, the extra hours don't seem worth it somehow but I need what little extra I do get.

got to go again, I'm sure I'll be back in a bit

 

[kati]

I have realised too that a big reason why I'm struggling with the diet is that I can't cope with the constipation that comes with it. I've been having the fibre 89 stuff but I dont think it's making enough difference. I've looked for the psyllium husks but couldn't find any (no money in the bank to buy them online and didnt really have the cash for them either) So a big part of my thinking when I've given in and eaten is that at least it will make it easier to go to the toilet. I know thats not the thing people realy want to be reading about but it is such a huge factor in this diet. I don't know why it seems so much worse now than it did ever before. It is such a horrible feeling.

 

[kazz]

Hey hun, sorry your still feelin a bit crappy!!! I know wat u mean about people standing too close....I do feel like they are invading my personal space!! And although I am by no means a neat freak, stuff like jam down the side of a jar does my bloody head in!!

Hoping it will get easier for you....I can fully appreciate that it must be torture being surrounded by food all day....its bad enuf for me being in work with other people eating, without having to see and actually make other peoples lunches all day long...I think your doing fab!!

Oh, and as for saying you dont work as much as other people...dont be thinking like that!! We all work differently and when your used to a certain work pattern, any change to that is hard...end of story!!!

 

[kati]

Thanks Kazz, it's the jacket potatoes that are really causing the problems for me right now *drool* we have silly hairdressers who always want them fluffy (middles scooped out mashed with butter then put back in the skins) so all that messing about is too much

 

[kazz]

yeah... I bet they wouldnt put that much effort in if they had to make their own jacket potatoes!!

Honestly though, dont lose sight of how fantastic you are doing...its hard enough for me sorting out Chloes tea....you do food all day and sort out your 3 kids as well!!

And when your feeling crappy try to remember how miserable you probably felt before you started CD....dont wanna be there again I bet!!

 

[kati]

you know I often feel that I'm using the fact I work with food as an excuse as to why I give into temptation so much. But you know I think it is a bloody good excuse. I've tried asking on this site before to see if theres anyone else with the same situation but no one replied to say they do. I just wanted someone to be able to talk to about it and see if it really is extra hard or if I'm just useless and making up excuses. No offence to anyone but being around people eating during breaks is not the same at all as making that food for people ALL day. You can't just go and take their food off them and eat a bit, but it's so easy for me to think ooh I'll just have a piece of cucumber or a piece of chicken or a slice of bacon etc...

You're right I really dont want to go back to how I was 32 pounds ago. I would like to lose the rest to get to below a bmi of 25 at least but as I am isnt too bad is it?

 

[kazz]

You are right hun, although lunch breaks arent even comparable, the people in my job eat constantly, all day long and I completely understand that at least I can walk away from them, but you cant just walk away from the counter!!

There is nothing wrong with the way you are now hun, BUT remember you have a goal weight, and a goal is something you decide you want to achieve for yourself and just imagine how fantastic you will feel when you get there, not if, WHEN!! Your over half way there now

 

[KD]

Oh gawd, yes, must be like a bad dream

As for the constipation...I know holland and barretts sell it, but that's not a lot of use if you are strapped for cash, but....my friend is using them and only has a couple a day. She's finding that works fine for her, so the bottle is lasting ages.

Just a thought. I remember getting horribly bunged up and didn't know about PH. I used to take just senekot before it got bad after that. Not ideal...but I remember thinking that it was only a short term solution until I finished the diet.

Not every day or anything. It certainly helped me get through.

 

[kati]

remember you have a goal weight, and a goal is something you decide you want to achieve for yourself and just imagine how fantastic you will feel when you get there, not if, WHEN!! Your over half way there now

That is true. I will get to that goal. It might take longer than I'd planned but I am going to get there. I need to get to 10 stone 1 first (bmi 25) then I can concentrate on that last stone. I am just having a huuuuuge struggle to get there right now. I am using excuses and I shouldn't.

I think a big part of it too is that I know that whatever I do now isn't going to make much of a difference by christmas. I'm sure in our minds we all have some sort of aim for christmas and just knowing I wont make it is putting a real downer on me. Even thinking of setting an aim for my birthday (in a months time) isn't going to work because I know I am going to break the diet for christmas day and new year and in january for the night out with everyone who is coming from this site. Possibly christmas eve and boxing day too to save money on food to get my mam to feed the kids instead of me doing it.

 

[kati]

Oh gawd, yes, must be like a bad dream

As for the constipation...I know holland and barretts sell it, but that's not a lot of use if you are strapped for cash, but....my friend is using them and only has a couple a day. She's finding that works fine for her, so the bottle is lasting ages.

Just a thought. I remember getting horribly bunged up and didn't know about PH. I used to take just senekot before it got bad after that. Not ideal...but I remember thinking that it was only a short term solution until I finished the diet.

Not every day or anything. It certainly helped me get through.

thanks for that. I did look in holland and Barretts but couldnt see it. Maybe I was just looking too hard I'll go in and ask instead of just looking. All the extra hours I've been working I think I can afford to splash out on a bottle of them if it makes things that much easier to cope with

 

[KD]

Good on ya. I know....it's all money isn't it, but it really make things easier for you.

 

[kati]

well I go to work inan hour and a half, will nip into holland and barretts on the way.

I've had 1 bar and half a vanilla pack in a cup of coffee so far. and only half a litre of water! must work on that.

I have a really sore throat and earache too all down the left side. not good.

My ex came to pick the kids up and said will you stop losing weight! I said no of course. He told me I'm looking great and just like when we first met (I was 16 then) which was nice of him.

Dont know how long I'll last at work without eating. I'm going to be in by myself from 2 so wont even have anyone else there to put me off unless any customers come in. But after 2 its usually pretty quiet which is why I'll be in alone.