my diary ~ no more CD for me

well I weighed myself this morning and I'm 11 stone 1 phew! still bad but not as bad as 11 stone 5. so back to cd today. I'll see how the day goes for whether I ss or not.

I have to say though one of the things I've noticed.... I always used to think when thin people would go on about their stomach being huge after eating that they were just trying to draw attention to how sall it really was, but now I know there is a big difference between pre eating bely size and post easting belly size. How come you don't notice when youre fat?

Also another thing, maybe tmi but, when your bowel are full and you lie flat you can actually see the lumpy bits, yuk.

It's such a horrible feeling of being so full, I can't wait so that I'll feel nice and empty like cd leaves me feeling, hopefully I'll get that last 2 stone off now too.

From now it's just me and my pets, no one will know if I'm here or not till saturday unless I go to see other people. hmmm not good. I need to clean the house it's oing my head in that its such a mess and I need to see if I've got any money to hit the sales and I need to get to the gym too.

Doggy needs some company right now though since I went out to take my mam to the airport in the middle of the night then went straight to bed without him when I got in. He doesn't like being alone at all. He's a spoilt little lapdog who is only happy when he's on someones knee (usually mine). think we'll go for a nice long walk if I can fin any clothes warm enough.
 
oh a house all to yourself - make the most of it hon... play loud music.. light nice candles... pamper yourself.. and.. if you want to... sort out one room at a time.. it will make you feel heaps better! (and keep you busy).. ;)

Have a fab week.. see if you can find a positive each day and the week will pass in a blink.. :D take care Nikki xx looking forward to meeting you!
 
thanks jennie looking forward to seeing you too :)

Took the dog for a walk and turned round to come home when the battery on my ipo ran out, was just getting into razorlight too :( oh well, will recharge it for tomorrow.

Jasper got his paws absolutely black (his paws are usually brilliant white) so had to wash him when we came home. Only thing is he didn't like that idea. I ran some water into the bath, he jumped in before I was ready for him then jumped straight out again and ran alllll over the house including onto my lovely white duvet cover grrrr could have killed him. so now as he always does when he's wet he has gone a bit loopy and is having a good old bark at the poor cat. I'm tempted to go out and leave him for a bit till he's calmed own because I can't be bothered with him acting like that right now.

I'm hungry. So I need something to distract me from that. I've already had 2 packs so if I have any more it'll leave me nothing for later when I'm absolutely starving. I feel like it's giving in but wondering if maybe I should slowly lower the carbs rather than just trying to jump into ssing again suddenly. I don't have any distractions to keep my mind off eating this time round.
 
Hiya Nikki... my cat is called Jasper! lol and MY dog goes loopy when wet too and runs round the house like a total and utter loon!! So glad it isn't just my animals that wreck the joint! lol damn frustrating though re duvet covers... I banished animals from my bedroom but sometimes the girls leave my door open and if the dog has muddy paws I go crazy to see paw prints on the bed - flippin kingsize duvets aren't all THAT easy to manouevre! (still, might burn up some cals.. lol and as it's the ONLY activity in my bedroom then that's something I s'pose.. lol)

Hope you got distracted and are having a good day today
Love

Jennie x
 
I didn't get distracted enough. It was only midday when I poste that yesterday and was absolutely starving so I had some chicken. Then a friend came round later with wine and we got very drunk.

Today has been a horrible day. I've spent most of the time either sleeping eating or on the verge of tears. I have to get out tomorrow. whenever I fall asleep in the afternoon I always end up dreaming of food and wake up starving, it's not good.

I've been on here for ages but couldn't think of what to write anywhere so didn't bother. I'm feeling rather lonely and worthless etc. Not a good time to start a diet that put me in a terrible mood last time I started
 
Oh sweetie... you are NOT worthless... not in any way, shape or form!!! It's just an emotional time right now... it will get heaps better.. and you will be with loads of us Saturday night and we'll cheer ya up! :D Wine is not good for the emotions (I don't think).. so not surprised you're feelin a bit blue today... do me a favour.. tomorrow... take the dog for a good brisk walk.. you will feel loads better, the fresh air and change of scenery will do you good and the dog will love you even more than he already does! :D
 
thanks jennie. I did take him out fr a nice walk bt then I abandoned him to go to the sales (where I spent way too much)

I decided to try a skirt on or a dress one of the 2 and took my jeans off and my knickers fell down! they just wouldn't stay up without my jeans on how embarrassing! hope they didn't have cameras in the changing rooms. But anyway that prompted a mad underwear shopping spree. I spent just under £50 on knickers and 2 bras so I now have knickers that wont fall down yay.

However. the bras are a bit small so I might take them back. On the other hand they might fit in a few weeks if I can get myself sorted with the diet. whats a girl to do lol
Oh and I was surprised at the knickers too. They were only in small medium or large so I wasn't sure which size to get. I decided to get small (wow brave or what/) and they fit!!! I'd never have dared even buy the large ones before so yay fr small bums (or rather 1, mine. I'm sure you will all know what I mean)

I found a dyson vacuum cleaner greatly reduced in the sales too and I soo want to get it but I cant afford it. I'll have to get cheapy one somewhere instead.I did however buy a set of tools reduced to £12 in a little carry bag thing. Since my ex left taking his tools with him I have to kee asking my sisters boyfriend if I need anything done so now I dont need to. so Yay for independance lol

Me and my friend went for lunch at Nando's. It was lovely and very filling so that was the only meal I had all day. I've never been there before now but it was lovely. and bottomless frozen yoghurt!!!! I didn't try it but love the idea.

tried on 2 size 10 skirts in the same shop. One fitted great and the other wouldn't go up my legs! whats going on there??? but anyway wore one of them last night, but didn't feel comfortable, it was too short and got shorter as the night went on as I got bloated with the drink and my belly got bigger. urgh.

Had my friends brother in law talking to me last night. After months of erm knowing he was winding me up by making comments because we dont like each other.... I can't remember what happened but I think he saw my friend talking to some bloke and he asked me if I have a boyfriend, then why not, then asked if I would have him. Whats going on with him??? think it was another wind up?

came home not long after that and talked to my friend in Wales for an hour on msn before going to bed with my doggy (who was not tired one little bit and didn't want me to go to sleep)

Woke up to the sounds of binmen this morning and thought oh bugger need to empty the bin and take the other bags outside I didn't even have time to look in the mirror and see how bad I looked before facing these blokes but I just threw a cardi on and ran downstairs with the dog trying to trip me up on the way as he does. then got out to discover the milkman had left a weeks worth of milk on the doorstep. I haven't even got through half of last weeks milk yet so think I need to give some away. So now I have 7 bottles of milk in the fridge (4pint bottles that is).

Now I need to get myself sorted and do some stuff. cant be bothered though.
 
Hi Nikki... glad you took the dog out AND treated yourself to some new undies..as for the new bras - get yourself measured and fitted properly for a new bra - you will be amazed at the difference it will make!

If you can't be bothered then don't ..lol.. chill out for a while.. I'm off to inspect the backs of my eyelids.. toodle pip for now! xx
 
I have been fitted properly but there were only 4 bras in the whole metro centre (ever been there? it's huge!) that would fit me (that I could find) so I went in a huff and bought some nice ones that were a slightly different size co they were pretty and on sale. The ones that would fit were plain boring and expensive.
 
Hey Nikki.....hope your getting on ok...cant believe that 2 size 10s from the same shop fit differently....clothes sizes are mental!!

Anyway, was just having a quick peek.....I need to go back to SSing tomoro....I've been a very bold girl this last week...dont want to go undoing all our hard work now do we?!

Anyway, I hope you are out tonight and have a fantastic time!!
 
Thanks Kazz hope you had a great time being bold :) It's been quiet here without you lol.

I really need to get back on the diet cos I'm eating too much but I've made the decision not to till after my birthday because I'll have a drink next friday in newcastle with everyone from here and then the friday after is my birthday. my mams boyfriends birthday is 2 days after mine so we always end up having to go out for a meal to celebrate together. It's not really something I can get out of so it's pointless ssing till then. My head wont be in the right place because I will know it's all going to be ruined very soon anyway. Once my birthday is over there's no more reason to eat till easter so I can get back into it properly then without thinking oh how am I going to get around this that or the other. I really dont mind having nights out and not drinking so that wont put me off. It's just the having to eat with other people that gets to me. Plus I only have a couple of stone to lose to get to my goal so it's not as urgent as it was when I first started. (well maybe when I weigh myself again it might be)


Maybe I'll have a soup instead of a real food meal once a day or something instead. Still got a broccoli and cheese one I've been saving but might have to have it for my dinner today instead yumm. Or might make a proper dinner and eat with the boys.

well anyway, to update....

saturday I ended up talking to the friend I'm going to see Keane with and he asked me to go out for dinner with him, so we went to an italian restaurant right next to where I live (overlooks the river, very nice place to go) and I had the spaghetti carbonara I've been craving for months. And you know what? It wasn't half as nice as it was in my head (it was really nice but I was imagining heaven on a plate lol) in reality it was quite sickly and I was soo stuffed afterwards. I could have done with only eating about quarter of what was on my plate but I couldn't because it cost £6.50!!! So hopefully thats put a stop to that craving and it wont tempt me anymore once I get back to the serious stuff.

My boys came home at 4pm on saturday so i spent the time with them. They didn't go to sleep till well after 11 I told them if they didn't go to sleep immediately they wouldn't go to their aunty's for the new year party so they went quiet after that.

Yesterday we went to check on the 2 shops my mam owns to make sure everything was ok, then took my mams decorations down for her, then we went to the pub for sunday dinner, it was lovely. Then I rang my sister to ask if she needed me to get anything for the party so ended up going to sainsburys just after 3. OMG it was heaving!!! luckily I got a parking space almost immediately cos I saw someone about to leave in the first bit I went down so I just waited for them to go and nabbed the space, woohoo. Although I'm still not used to the car being so big so keep worrying that I might try anad fit it into a space thats too small but my car would fit in no bother. I drove my car yesterday too (not at the same time obviously) and it was weird going back to that. I sooooo want a newer car. I was unersteering cos I've got used to the power steering that my car doesn't have, but the brakes are better on my car so I was braking too fast and my car just doesn't have the power to accelerate so was getting sick of it being so slow. Oh well I'll get used to it again after I dont have their car to drive any more.

So anyway, had a mad dash round the heaving sainsbury's, came out and it was absolutely pouring down and I couldn't work out how to turn on the rear windscreen wipers so I could reverse out of the parking space. Discovered it did it itself when I put it in reverse though thankfully, phew! (my car doesn't do that either)

It was 20 to 4 when we left there and there were still huge queues of cars trying to get in the car park to go in the shop and it shut at 4. Couldn't believe it. Oh well. I got what I needed and went to deliver it. I had planned on going home to clean up a bit before going to the party but ended up staying to hlp my sister out with making sandwiches etc. then came home in time to have a bath and get changed before going straight back.

I didn't really know any of her friends but they were ok. one of them brought his son who was 18 and had decided to escape from prison for christmas!!! apparently he was going to turn himself in today, who knows if he's actually going to do it or not. He must have been drunk though cos he thought I was the same age as him and was trying to chat me up, it was very funny.

I ended up being sat next to the food table which was a bad idea. As I wasn't really talking to anyone I ended up eating loads instead. The kids were upstairs playing on the playstation or watching dvd's.

One of the kids was absolutely shattered so we came home at 1 and we all went straight to bed. He was the lat one up this morning too, but I think he may have been the only one the dog didnt jump on too. so today I need to clean and do kid stuff cos they're going back to their dads again tomorrow.
 
To be honest I've no idea, he said it was a category D prison but that means nothing to me. Apparently 4 of them made an attempt to escape 2 got caught an he and the other one split up so he doesn't know if the other one got caught or not.

the worst thing is one of the other guests was a prison warden! I've no idea if he knew what had happened or not.

I usually mix in boring circles myself,thats thefirst time I've knowingly met someone who has been in prison, let alone escaped from it!

Went to my sisters today and she was going on about how he was "wel into me". apparently at the end of th enight his dad told me he had no chance with me and he just said he hadn't seen him work so he was determined he would have a chance. I don't think so somehow.

Angry at Mr Mechanic again today, found out he's still been lying to me all along. I know I can't trust him but he's such a **** it gets me angry. i don't know why he has to lie then tell me about it months later. I don't want to know he should just stay away from me all together.
 
So you almost got yourself an escaped con as a toy boy?! That would've been somethin to tell the grandkidz!!! 18 is a bit young though....wonder wat he was locked up for..... Could it be that he was on Christmas release and was embellishing why he was there to try impress you?!

Anyway, enjoy the attention!! As for mr mechanic....bin him luv!! He is no good watsoever for your self esteem and consistently abuses any little bit of trust you place in him...its a new year, new beginning for all of us, so start it with a clean slate and get rid of anything that drags you down...thats wat I'm gonna try doing anyways!
 
kazz said:
So you almost got yourself an escaped con as a toy boy?! That would've been somethin to tell the grandkidz!!! 18 is a bit young though....wonder wat he was locked up for..... Could it be that he was on Christmas release and was embellishing why he was there to try impress you?!!
Click to expand...


Well, apparently he got locked up for aggravated burglary. He said it was his mate who did it and he was outside the flat when the police came but of course he is innocent and didn't do anything. He said he pleaded (?) guilty so he'd get a lesser sentence than if he denied it and they found him guilty anyway, because even thought he was outside they could still find him guilty of something else apparently. Maybe he was on christmas release and it was all a big story for everyone at the party not just me. But yeah, 18 waaay too young. He's only 6 years older than my son!

I dont really think his dad was trying to knock his confidence, he was just telling it as it is. Because he really does have no chance with me. I'm far too good (and old) for the likes of him. I don't need that kind of person in my life no matter how innocent he claims to be.

Mr Mechanic deserves everything he gets now. I've had enough of him and his lies he's pushed me too far to want anything more to do with him. But it still doesn't stop any feelings just cos I dont ant anything more to do with him
 
oh had mr cinema texting me today too. Havent heard frm him for ages. Think he's trying to get sympathy from me by saying he was sober last night cos he's too ill to drink.

He tried that last year too. Said he was vomiting blood because he drank too much so was having to keep off alcohol but less than a week later he was back to the way he was before that. So I told him he said that last year and that didnt stop him so he'd get no sympathy off me. But of course he's worse this year.

Not going to work.
 
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