my diary ~ no more CD for me

[kati]

I feel so out of control with what I'm eating now. I feel so huge. I know I've only gained 5 pounds but it feels like so much more.

Ok its probaly a lot to do with not having any kind of routine right now, no work, no kids for quite a bit of the time. A lot to do with it being my birthday soon, which ouldn't bother me in itslf but I know I will be forced into eating then because I always am. And it will be most likelya chinese restaurant we go to (do they do salads there? never noticed if they do) It's not just my birthday so if i request to go somewhere else I might just get ignored. Maybe I could request an indian restaurant then I could hav chicken tikka, that would just be like a spicy chicken salad right? But I could plan that myself now but might not get the choice. That puts me off.

It's hard not to look back and think about how this time last year was one of the worst times in my life, seriously bad, and i felt I had no control over that either. The only thing I felt I could do to take control was to throw away my whole future that I'd been working towards for 4 years, and I gave up on all that, wasted the time and thousands of pounds I now owe in student loans, all for nothing. The year before at christmas was almost as bad too. Why is christmas always a horrible time? I feel like I have to do everything to keep everyone else happy yet i suffer because of it. I give up on myself, which is really what i have done, and I feel like I can't get back on track till it's all over and no one has any reason to make me do anything, no reason to say I shold be happy and enjoying myself and stuffing my face because of the time of year it is. I used to love it as a kid that the christms season seemed to last ages because of my birthday being so close and I got 2 lots of presents instead of one, but now I hate it. I just wish it was that one day then all over with so I can get back to normality.

Christmas is the most depressing, stressful time of year purely because you're forced to petend you're having a wonderful time at least.

 

[kazz]

Oh Nikki, did reading my diary put you in a horrible mood too??!!

Just think how far you've come this year...at least you are more in control of your life now than you were this time last year, thats wat I'm trying to tell myself anyway!

Birthday plans suck if you cant decide what you want to do for yourself....its your birthday! Put your foot down and tell whoever else is involved wat you want to do....make it really extreme and then what you really want can be the compromise!!

 

[kati]

It's ok I've been thinking about those things for a while now. Just now that christmas is over and I still have to wait till what seems like forever to get back to normal it feels so hard.

I am in more control of my own life than i was this time last year, that in itself is kind of good I think but at least then there was a possibility of some kind of a good future. Now I have nothing more to look forward to other than getting thinner and more grey hairs. But that is my own fault. i may have been pushed but I was the one who gave up. I feel like I have given up on the diet too but that at least I know I can go back and do it again. People say to me why dont I go back to uni and get my planned future back but it's not that easy. I can't afford to get into that much debt no matter how well the job pays in however many years time.

I'm doomed to be a skint shop worker forever. I have no respect for myself in that department.

With the birthday thing I have no control over it because it is my mams boyfriends birthday too and theyre the ones paying so i have to go wherever they decide. they say I can suggest somewhere if I like but unltimately they will go where they want not where I want. Of course it always has to be a surprise on the day. the spanish tapas bar they took me to was the worst, they know I don't like that kind of stuff yet they still took me there cos they love it. yuk!

 

[kazz]

Well at least you know that you are in a better position than you were last year...

Thats still crappy about your birthday though!! Could you not have a quiet word with your mum beforehand?

 

[kati]

its pointless having a word with my mam I think. Oh well, will just have to wait.

I hate waiting.

 

[Isis]

its pointless having a word with my mam I think. Oh well, will just have to wait.

I hate waiting.

You could always be "poorly" on the day, if you really didn't want to go? Sorry you're having a bit of a tough time at the mo hun but kazz is right.....set your boundaries and indulge in a bit of assertiveness if poss

As Jon BonJovi says...."It's My Life, It's now or never....I ain't gonna live forever.........xxx

 

[kati]

thanks for the idea but they'd just rearrange it for when I'm better so still wouldnt get out of it. My family thinks everything revolves around food (hence buying and me working in food shops) and are constantly on at me for not eating so they like to watch me eat every so often to make sure I am doing it. They dont agree with the cambridge diet and it's not worth the negativity from them to say no I'm not eating a meal for my birthday because of the diet.

They also think that I'm thin enough now and keep telling me not to lose any more weight so saying I'm doing what in their eyes is "too drastic" to lose more weight is not going to help. So I can be assertive but that will lead to them making my life a misery afterwards (because I work with them so would get it every single day).

Maybe I'll try and get them to do it early this year so I don't have to wait quite as long. they're in spain at the minute though so maybe they will have had enough of eating out for a while, but till i know then my heart isn't in the diet because all i can think of is that I'm going to have to be forced to break it soon so whats the point in starting till after that.

 

[kati]

well all I feel like saying at the minute is ..
why oh why do I keep allowing Mr Mechanic to #'~! me up all the time. It's never just a simple matter of oh it's you what do you want? It's always a great high or an unbearable low with him, I just can't help it. It's when I get both within a few minutes of each other it feels the worst.

 

[kazz]

Aw hun wats he gone and done now???

 

[kati]

Aw hun wats he gone and done now???

er kept breathing?

Nah seriously he asked me to get something for him (silly me did) then he came to get it and was all nice and actually made me feel happy. Then after that came more lies revealed so I pulled him up about it and of course he had all the right answers about how they weren't lies (at the time he told me them) etc.

I can't believe I STILL keep falling for his charm after everything. I thought I was over it but seeing him again after so long brought everything back and then it was like a big smack in the face all over again. Everything I've found out this time just makes me feel so bad about myself

 

[kazz]

Ok, he has no right to say or do things to make you feel bad about yourself....they are HIS lies, not yours!

You work full time managing your mums shop, are a great mum to 3 boys, are absolutely gorgeous looking, you have blokes chattin you up practically everywhere you go.

I know we all need things to make us feel good, but mr mechanic seems like for every good feeling he gives you, you get 2 or 3 bad feelings hun, and you dont deserve it.

 

[kati]

they are his lies but he probably acted the way he did because I wasn't good enough. He found something better instead and kept me for what I was good enough for.

as for being chatted up all the time it's only ever by idiots who just want sex and thats it. Some I'm obviously not good for anything else. Wish I was gorgeous lol but I think men only ever see a giant pair of boobs with legs stuck under them (ok weird visions coming to mind there)

I'm in a fab mood as I'm sure you can tell.

 

[kazz]

Hun, you are NOT responsible for anyones actions but your own! He acted the way he did, because HE CHOSE TO, not because you werent good enough.

You have a very low opinion of yourself and it is completely unjustified. I know you have had a few muppets hanging around, but its them that have problems not you. I truly believe that when YOU feel confident in yourself, that shines thru....have you ever been in a bar and seen some girl or bloke and you just KNEW that they felt good about themselves? Dint have to be the most beautiful person there, just someone who was happy with themselves. I think that part of the problem I have had with idiot blokes was that they could tell I wasnt happy with me and took that as a permit to walk all over me....now I am happier with me...still messing up, still not 100% happy with me, but happIER and people have commented on it....

You need to stop being so down on yourself hun!

 

[kati]

thanks, you're right I just can't help feeling that when everyone else treats me that way.

 

[kazz]

I know hun....is there any little changes you can make really gradually that will help improve how you feel about yourself? I really dont know wat to suggest cos I am just as bad as you at this sort of stuff really!

 

[kati]

i've no idea. Maybe I need to be like bridget Jones and read a load of self help books

 

[kazz]

oh no!!! there has to be something better than that!!

 

[kati]

maybe I need to pretend to be more confident, then I might fool myself into believing it too.

 

[kazz]

Yes!! I like that idea....thats wat I do sometimes as well!

Have you tried starting a list of your good points? And make a commitment to yourself to add to it every week maybe?

 

[kazz]

Not necessarily good points if thats too difficult right now, but more along the lines of the things that you actually like about yourself and the things you know you can do well?