Susie and Orbit's daily dribble

[ladyfelsham]

This post isn't going to make a lot of sense to some people - but bear with me - because it's my diary and I can say whatever I want here.

I've always said I didn't want to have children because I was too busy doing my own thing - not wanting to be tied down, career, travelling, career...also unhappiness as a little 'un - and didn't want to do it for moral reasons, a child should have two parents, etc. Have felt many regrets over it.

Today I found out that two friends are expecting - one, I am overjoyed at the news - she miscarried horribly last year and this time it's right for her and her OH. The other said for years that she didn't want kids, and yet she is producing. Puzzled but happy for her, and she will be a great mum.

So the question is - am I too old, too fat, too over the hill? 50 but healthy? 50 and shouldn't even think of even going near a man without a condom?

I had resigned myself to not being a mum but maybe it's still possible.

Thoughts? Sperm content via a turkey baster welcome - I think.

 

[Alpaca]

Wow! Susie ... Do whatever feels right for you... We only have one life... One stab at it... And I have known such sadness of early deaths of dear friends , colleagues, parents... I would have had more children if my marriage was a happy one... I shall always regret ... Only advice - from the heart - is to do what feels right for you... Love and hugs xxx

 

[locket]

I take it you're already 50. Well, to be honest, if you are, your chances aren't great. Even if you did manage to conceive the chances of carrying a baby full term are not high. Combined with the fact that the chances of Down's Syndrome is roughly 1:2. Whilst children with Down's are incredibly rewarding they require so much more than a child without Down's. Coupled with the fact that a child with Down's nearly always needs their adult around for them (I'm talking in 30 years time). At 50, could you do all that?

 

[locket]

I'm not saying you should dismiss it. Only you know what's tight for you. Just know the facts before you get your heart broken.

 

[ladyfelsham]

Thank you both, very good observations. Locket - I get the Down's thing. I have a friend with a Downs child/adult - he's 40 and pretty high on the spectrum and needs picking up like a 5 year old, she isn't supported by social services, etc - so I hear you.

A big decision - and of course I'm still to find a willing victim - but now I've opened myself up to what I really want, it's hard to push that genie back in the box.

And of course I love very much the fact that neither of you said no

 

[locket]

Well, I wish everyone gave as much thought to having a child.
As long as your reasons are the right ones, who is anyone to tell you not to do it. We live longer than ever before, so as long as you can conceive then why not?
Have you considered adoption?

 

[ladyfelsham]

Investigated that already. Not eligible.

Single (no problem), renting (a problem but do-able), no means of supporting me and a child because I have no family in the country (a big problem) - all of these factors put me at the bottom of the want list to adopt any child, never mind a baby. Most of the wee ones wanting a home are mixed race and the authorities want a mixed race family to place them with.

This is where you have to be very, very, honest about the motivation.

 

[locket]

Look into adoption again. I think you'll find the criteria for adopting has changed in the last few months. Race is no longer a barring factor. As for money, I'd love to say it isn't important but it is. You need to be able to support yourself and a little one. You don't want/ need the worry of putting food on the table or keeping a roof over the little one's head. Other than food and a safe place to stay, all a little one needs is love. The rest can be gotten from friends, charity shops, sales.

 

[ladyfelsham]

I smoke. End of story as far as the authorities are concerned.

Love - I can do that. It might just have to be via unorthodox channels

 

[Quak]

What about fostering Susie, a woman L knows from years back has been pushing us to give it a go, but we are two women who have both had maternal bones removed at birth and neither of us has any inclination towards children whatsoever. Do you have to tell them you smoke? Fostering short term could give you chance to see if it really is for you, and you get paid for it...................you could work from home on your own stuff freelance too. My thoughts for what they are worth hon, personally I just don't see the attraction but if you feel the need then I won't put you down for it, just don't ask me to babysit lol xxxxxx And I love you muchly xxxx

 

[ladyfelsham]

Love you too hun, very much xxxx

Lots of reasons why not to do it. Mainly I can't bear the thought of transience - borrowing a child, if you will. There are a lot of fab women out there who foster, who open their hearts.... but I want more.

 

[moonlights]

I couldn't foster for the same reasons - heck, I couldn't even foster a cat.

I've had to reassess my ideas of 'too old' recently. I've always wished my mum had me younger (she was 30 - considered a 'geriatric' mother in those days) and ever since I was little I wanted to be married by 25 with a child by 28, maximum.

Well I'm 31 this year, no partner let alone kids. I think if nothing seems to be in the works I'll have to look into single mum options at around age 35. Health is also a factor. I'm not strong (and I'd really want a second parent to help me though I know my family would, but they're aging and deserve a break) and I have several high risk miscarriage factors. I might find it hard to conceive, also. I know I wouldn't want to jeapordise a Childs health so part of my weight loss is because it's hard to get IVF or be considered for surrogacy etc if your BMI is over 35, and in some cases if it's over 30.

I shouldn't inflict my genes on anyone but I would dearly miss seeing my family reflected in a child's face, I think.

Anyway, none of that probably helps you. I would say though that you must consider the health implications very carefully. Would you consider a termination if scans revealed a child had downs, etc and if not how you'd be able to cope with care. How is your own health? Obviously none of us know what is around the corner but we know our own constitutions. You would be classed as a high risk pregnancy for reasons of age and weight, it's worth talking to a doctor to see if they would have any other concerns (but an understanding doctor or specialist, not someone who would dismiss the idea out of hand).

For all my own desires to have had children young, I don't think 50 is necessarily too old - I had friends with parents close to that age when I was at school. A child being happy, safe, healthy and loved is the most important thing.

 

[ladyfelsham]

Charlie Chaplin had children when he was 70 - he just couldn't bend down to pick them up LMAO

I have welcomed your views so much, knew I could count on you for a reasoned woman take. Lots of good reasons to do it. Lots to not.

Halfway through our chat, I got a text from my brother, he's fallen over in a drunken stupor and is in hospital with broken ribs - this, the father of two children...

 

[coffeelover]

Wow take one day away and Susie has a house and kids! First that's great news on the house- fingers crossed lovely.

I had my son when I was 36 and very much living the single career woman lifestyle. He was a surprise but it's the best thing I've ever done. I think he's kept me young and he's much more adult acting than I am anyhow. In my opinion the only time to have kids is when it feels right no matter what the age. I also agree with Locket, adoption criteria has changed a lot in recent years. They also have so many new test they can do in pregnancy with regards to the health of the baby- down syndrome etc.

Wow so much to think about Susie. Have a lovely day. x

 

[slaj]

Wow some serious discussions going on here, I have several friends who had their first child in their late 40's, one friend was a nun and came out of the convent as her desire for a child was so great, she is now 72 and her daughter is 24, they have the most wonderful relationship. My cousin was 47 when she had her third child, a gap of over 20 years with her other children. If you are seriously considering motherhood then you must not waste time, go and talk to a specialist doctor ASAP. Xx

 

[Dietkitty]

Bloody hell Suze! That's some serious thinking you need to do. No-one can tell you what to do, only you can make a choice, but it needs to be considered carefully. Children are a joy but the biggest commitment you can make in life. There's no changing your mind (been trying to sell DS1 on ebay for years lol)
There's no doubt you would make an amazing Mum, you're funny and intelligent and full of so much love. Only you can decide.

 

[ladyfelsham]

Hey all

Sorry not to respond sooner to your amazing posts - we have a big event at the dance faculty tonight, so been a tad busy with that.

I really, really appreciate the time and thought you have all put in to your responses, and there's a lot of food for thought in there - but I just don't know what the answer is. Part of me has this need to be a mum, but the other part is saying it's a kneejerk reaction to friends getting preggied up. Maybe it's just about giving love to someone/something. Maybe I need to meet a bloke with kids.

Whatever the motivation, it's a tough one when you're doing it on your own. So don't worry, nothing hasty is planned

 

[Quak]

Loads of hugs Susie, good to get so many considered opinions but at the end of the day, it is your body and your (and baby's) life so as others have said, it really has to be your decision at the end of the day, and lets face it, you certainly wouldn't be the oldest Mum in the world these days - so much has changed that way recently xxxx

 

[ladyfelsham]

Thx hun - not sure I have the stamina for it

Spoke to one of my preggie friends (who is in her 30s) about it this morning. At the very least I'll get babysitting duties - maybe a screaming child will kill off my mothering instinct!

 

[Alpaca]

My friend who is now 43 has a young son coming up to 2. She's exhausted most of the time. And I would say she is reasonably fit.

I was chatting to an older mum on the train the other week - she was late 40s and had 2 kids - one about 5 the other 8 and she said that the biggest issue for her was not having the energy of the younger mums in her network.

But we're all different in that regard!

My mum was 40 when she had me and although she was always embarrassingly old looking when she came to the school gates to collect me, my dad and her had enormous amounts of energy so I never really noticed anything different. So, just go with your gut Susie!

Love you ... big stuff ... I remember when I was your age and feeling that I wanted another child - and I think part of me was mourning the loss of my youth and the ability to have another child was running out. xxxxx